It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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