Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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