well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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