Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
