i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
