i just sent this text using only my big toe
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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