Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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