Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
