First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
