Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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