I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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