It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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