I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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