i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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