So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
