Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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