Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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