if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
well you can't waste a boner
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
