She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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