once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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