just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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