i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
