I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
