Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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