How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
