I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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