I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
