I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
