and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
