Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
