if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
