Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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