fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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