Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
