Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
