i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
