I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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