When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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