tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Duck Duck Cougar?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
