You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
