she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
