I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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