Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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