Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
