Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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