i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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