I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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