My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
