Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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