apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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