my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
